And it's one, two, three...what am I fighting for?

Problem is, I do give a damn, lol.

     I have been gone a few days from blog land, but boy have I been think blogging!  I am in a tizzy over relationships.  The way people react to and with one another has always been of interest to me.  As an outsider.  I realized, just recently, that I have been an outsider for many, many years.  I have people watched, and I have had relationships.  However, I don't know that I ever really thought of myself as being IN a relationship. Until now. I am no longer the invisible woman. People "see" me now.  The g-pub has finally acknowledged my presence.

      I have no idea what to do with it.  At first it was nice.  People opened doors for me.  Sales persons actually made eye contact with me and asked if I needed help. It was nice.  I would say that this was about 50-60 lbs ago.  I was overweight, but not TOO overweight, I suppose.  I was granted basic human compassion because for the most part, I fit in physically. I even had a man tell me the shirt I was wearing some months back (approx last summer) was sexy. Boy, that was embarrassing and exhilarating all at the same time!  I was on cloud 9!!! 

     Fast forward to the last 4 months or so.  Now, being a very healthy BMI of 24, a size 6/8...well, lets just say things are drastically different.  Most of my "cheerleaders" are gone.  I guess when I passed the national average for size, I was supposed to be happy about it and NEVER mention my band, my progress, my size, my weight.  Hmmm. I get it.  I really do understand.  I have done this to other women. I have judged them because they only had "10, 15 or maybe even 20 lbs to lose.  I have thought "STFU already!!  You are perfectly FINE".  To those that I dismissed, even if only in my head, I apologize. 

     My journey this past year has been amazing.  It truly has.  It has had it's difficult moments, but I have really loved figuring out the challenges.  For me, up until now, it has been basic.  a+b=c, really.  I eat this, don't eat that, exercise, take the vitamins, voila!  Success. Now, I am stumped.  Trying to figure out what I can talk about, who I can talk to, what is appropriate to share with my friends, whether or not I can offer to let them check out my "under grown" clothes.  It's all so Greek to me.  I am a fat girl with a thin body. ( I know, I know....cry you a river, right?)  But, I DON"T KNOW WHERE I BELONG.
   
     I was at my local thrift shop today with my husband.  I had taken  a couple of dresses into the dressing room. I was quite nervous about it.  They looked so tiny hanging on their hangers.  I was so sure I would get stuck and need Crisco and some team work to shimmy out even if I managed to shimmy in.  But they FIT!  And the little black sexy dress...looked sexy!  My husband had to give me a hand with zipping it up, which meant I was on display and feeling kind of self conscious.  Well, the lady standing behind my husband commented "Oh ya, that dress is stunning.  But only on a skinny girl like her!".  Nice compliment, right?  But she sneered!  This approx 45 year old slightly overweight, but ferociously beautiful woman was scrutinizing the dress as well as ME based on my size.  Until my husband turned to her, and very chivalrously declared "She has not ALWAYS been this size.  She has lost 200 lbs in the past year."  The stunned to silence women then preceded to pick his brain about how I had accomplished such a thing.  She was instantly nice to me.  It was now okay for me to be a member of her club.  She knew I was an overweight gal, just like her.  She even gave me a wink and bid me luck in my journey as we parted ways.

     I have come to realize that the tough part of this journey is only now beginning.  I am having to step further and further outside of my comfort zone to fit it. I can no longer hide beneath the large shadow I used to cast.  I get no fewer than 3 direct sexual advances from men each week.  My husband is constantly telling me how wonderful I look, the friends I still have are always telling me how tiny I am.  Sounds good, right?  It looks good on paper.  But it is so darn uncomfortable!  And you know what?  For every positive bit of attention I receive, I am bombarded with negative.  I have been called to the carpet by close family members who have decided "it's time to be done losing weight (I look just fine).  I have had "friends" tell other friends that they are certain I have an eating disorder.  I have been un-friended by friends who have decided they don't want a relationship with me anymore based on these ideas.  It's painful.  It was so much easier for me  when I was the jolly ol' fat girl with the pretty face.

     However, she is no longer.  I am not here to be the court jester, nor the friend that makes the others' feel good about themselves at the expense of her own wants, needs, and desires. I am learning to be truly happy in my own skin.  I am taking the time to pamper myself, make myself laugh.  I am HAPPY.  I have true delight in my life now when it comes to MY person. . I feel authentic. I am experiencing so much, and so much of it for the first time.  And I am learning. I am learning and seeking new relationships.  New friendships.  I am finding ways to be IN  relationships where all parties are honored, and I am not expected to be the happy maker of the group.
     I am humbled by the journey a little more each day.  This journey isn't about being a specific size.  It isn't even entirely about being "thin" or physically healthy.  For me....for me this journey is about rediscovering myself.  About completely unearthing this treasure and figuring out how I want to present it to the world.