So, it's that time again. It all started 2 days before my surgery trip. My sister actually convinced me to do it. "Take a nekkid picture!" she advised.(well, mostly naked.) The hardest thing I have ever done, really. I hated taking off my clothes when it was just me in the room with a waiting shower. Imagining doing this with another person, let alone another person armed with a camera, seemed ludicrous! But I did it. I am sooooo grateful to her for holding my hand through the process.
Now I try and take a new picture every 3 months or so. The first picture I burned to disk (wishing I could actually BURN the disk, lol) and then erased all evidence from both camera and computer. I then threw the disk up into a cupboard and didn't look at it for three months! I couldn't face it. I couldn't see what my body had become while I had spent years ignoring it's needs. So that was December. By the time March rolled around, I knew I had to endure it again. I called her and begged her to come and photograph my loveliness once more. It had to be her. I didn't trust anyone else yet. But you know what? It was so much BETTER!
As I dropped the robe, her squeals of "OMG!!! You look so DIFFERENT!" were wonderful. I was still a large gal, but her support meant the world to me. It instilled the confidence I needed to not only look at the picture she originally took, but to also look at the one she took that day, on that day. Looking at the progress I had made was the greatest feeling.
And so, as I said...it is that time again. The differences at this point are not as great. Now it's more a show of how my skin is handling the changes, rather than my body changing size or shape. That is somewhat discouraging. There was a tipping point some while back in that regard. I remember thinking "WTF! I look TERRIBLE, not BETTER!". But I didn't . I just looked kind of deflated. I guess that's what happens when your body loses enough weight that you could have created an entire adult with what it has lost, lol.
I can embrace this now. I have been known to drop my drawers and share my "elephant testicles"(my inner thighs are a hot mess, heh). I have also been seen, even in public, sharing my belly parachute. It's all good! These scars truly do remind me of how far I have come. And I believe this also helps others who are either concerned about the changes their body may go through with major weight loss, or are just plain curious about mine. It has helped me accept that this is my body. And I love my body and all of the wonderful changes it has gone through.
I will be honest and say....YES I will get some reconstructive surgeries to take care of some of this. But it isn't so I can wear a bikini or be socially beautiful. I am, however, looking forward to being able to have my body fit into clothing properly. I can hardly wait to wear a pretty nightie and not have my bewbies dangling BELOW the pretty embellishments made to hold them in. I also look forward to waking up without one boob that has escaped out an armhole or the other out a neck hole, haha. I'm surprised how much surface area one deflated b cup bewbie can cover in the nocturnal hours.
So, I sit and wonder if I have the courage to post some of my earlier pictures. I show them to many. I'm not sure if I am ready to share with the cyber world though. Do you, my readers, have any thoughts?
Sunday, March 20, 2011
Saturday, March 19, 2011
And it's one, two, three...what am I fighting for?
Problem is, I do give a damn, lol.
I have been gone a few days from blog land, but boy have I been think blogging! I am in a tizzy over relationships. The way people react to and with one another has always been of interest to me. As an outsider. I realized, just recently, that I have been an outsider for many, many years. I have people watched, and I have had relationships. However, I don't know that I ever really thought of myself as being IN a relationship. Until now. I am no longer the invisible woman. People "see" me now. The g-pub has finally acknowledged my presence.
I have no idea what to do with it. At first it was nice. People opened doors for me. Sales persons actually made eye contact with me and asked if I needed help. It was nice. I would say that this was about 50-60 lbs ago. I was overweight, but not TOO overweight, I suppose. I was granted basic human compassion because for the most part, I fit in physically. I even had a man tell me the shirt I was wearing some months back (approx last summer) was sexy. Boy, that was embarrassing and exhilarating all at the same time! I was on cloud 9!!!
Fast forward to the last 4 months or so. Now, being a very healthy BMI of 24, a size 6/8...well, lets just say things are drastically different. Most of my "cheerleaders" are gone. I guess when I passed the national average for size, I was supposed to be happy about it and NEVER mention my band, my progress, my size, my weight. Hmmm. I get it. I really do understand. I have done this to other women. I have judged them because they only had "10, 15 or maybe even 20 lbs to lose. I have thought "STFU already!! You are perfectly FINE". To those that I dismissed, even if only in my head, I apologize.
My journey this past year has been amazing. It truly has. It has had it's difficult moments, but I have really loved figuring out the challenges. For me, up until now, it has been basic. a+b=c, really. I eat this, don't eat that, exercise, take the vitamins, voila! Success. Now, I am stumped. Trying to figure out what I can talk about, who I can talk to, what is appropriate to share with my friends, whether or not I can offer to let them check out my "under grown" clothes. It's all so Greek to me. I am a fat girl with a thin body. ( I know, I know....cry you a river, right?) But, I DON"T KNOW WHERE I BELONG.
I was at my local thrift shop today with my husband. I had taken a couple of dresses into the dressing room. I was quite nervous about it. They looked so tiny hanging on their hangers. I was so sure I would get stuck and need Crisco and some team work to shimmy out even if I managed to shimmy in. But they FIT! And the little black sexy dress...looked sexy! My husband had to give me a hand with zipping it up, which meant I was on display and feeling kind of self conscious. Well, the lady standing behind my husband commented "Oh ya, that dress is stunning. But only on a skinny girl like her!". Nice compliment, right? But she sneered! This approx 45 year old slightly overweight, but ferociously beautiful woman was scrutinizing the dress as well as ME based on my size. Until my husband turned to her, and very chivalrously declared "She has not ALWAYS been this size. She has lost 200 lbs in the past year." The stunned to silence women then preceded to pick his brain about how I had accomplished such a thing. She was instantly nice to me. It was now okay for me to be a member of her club. She knew I was an overweight gal, just like her. She even gave me a wink and bid me luck in my journey as we parted ways.
I have come to realize that the tough part of this journey is only now beginning. I am having to step further and further outside of my comfort zone to fit it. I can no longer hide beneath the large shadow I used to cast. I get no fewer than 3 direct sexual advances from men each week. My husband is constantly telling me how wonderful I look, the friends I still have are always telling me how tiny I am. Sounds good, right? It looks good on paper. But it is so darn uncomfortable! And you know what? For every positive bit of attention I receive, I am bombarded with negative. I have been called to the carpet by close family members who have decided "it's time to be done losing weight (I look just fine). I have had "friends" tell other friends that they are certain I have an eating disorder. I have been un-friended by friends who have decided they don't want a relationship with me anymore based on these ideas. It's painful. It was so much easier for me when I was the jolly ol' fat girl with the pretty face.
However, she is no longer. I am not here to be the court jester, nor the friend that makes the others' feel good about themselves at the expense of her own wants, needs, and desires. I am learning to be truly happy in my own skin. I am taking the time to pamper myself, make myself laugh. I am HAPPY. I have true delight in my life now when it comes to MY person. . I feel authentic. I am experiencing so much, and so much of it for the first time. And I am learning. I am learning and seeking new relationships. New friendships. I am finding ways to be IN relationships where all parties are honored, and I am not expected to be the happy maker of the group.
I am humbled by the journey a little more each day. This journey isn't about being a specific size. It isn't even entirely about being "thin" or physically healthy. For me....for me this journey is about rediscovering myself. About completely unearthing this treasure and figuring out how I want to present it to the world.
I have been gone a few days from blog land, but boy have I been think blogging! I am in a tizzy over relationships. The way people react to and with one another has always been of interest to me. As an outsider. I realized, just recently, that I have been an outsider for many, many years. I have people watched, and I have had relationships. However, I don't know that I ever really thought of myself as being IN a relationship. Until now. I am no longer the invisible woman. People "see" me now. The g-pub has finally acknowledged my presence.
I have no idea what to do with it. At first it was nice. People opened doors for me. Sales persons actually made eye contact with me and asked if I needed help. It was nice. I would say that this was about 50-60 lbs ago. I was overweight, but not TOO overweight, I suppose. I was granted basic human compassion because for the most part, I fit in physically. I even had a man tell me the shirt I was wearing some months back (approx last summer) was sexy. Boy, that was embarrassing and exhilarating all at the same time! I was on cloud 9!!!
Fast forward to the last 4 months or so. Now, being a very healthy BMI of 24, a size 6/8...well, lets just say things are drastically different. Most of my "cheerleaders" are gone. I guess when I passed the national average for size, I was supposed to be happy about it and NEVER mention my band, my progress, my size, my weight. Hmmm. I get it. I really do understand. I have done this to other women. I have judged them because they only had "10, 15 or maybe even 20 lbs to lose. I have thought "STFU already!! You are perfectly FINE". To those that I dismissed, even if only in my head, I apologize.
My journey this past year has been amazing. It truly has. It has had it's difficult moments, but I have really loved figuring out the challenges. For me, up until now, it has been basic. a+b=c, really. I eat this, don't eat that, exercise, take the vitamins, voila! Success. Now, I am stumped. Trying to figure out what I can talk about, who I can talk to, what is appropriate to share with my friends, whether or not I can offer to let them check out my "under grown" clothes. It's all so Greek to me. I am a fat girl with a thin body. ( I know, I know....cry you a river, right?) But, I DON"T KNOW WHERE I BELONG.
I was at my local thrift shop today with my husband. I had taken a couple of dresses into the dressing room. I was quite nervous about it. They looked so tiny hanging on their hangers. I was so sure I would get stuck and need Crisco and some team work to shimmy out even if I managed to shimmy in. But they FIT! And the little black sexy dress...looked sexy! My husband had to give me a hand with zipping it up, which meant I was on display and feeling kind of self conscious. Well, the lady standing behind my husband commented "Oh ya, that dress is stunning. But only on a skinny girl like her!". Nice compliment, right? But she sneered! This approx 45 year old slightly overweight, but ferociously beautiful woman was scrutinizing the dress as well as ME based on my size. Until my husband turned to her, and very chivalrously declared "She has not ALWAYS been this size. She has lost 200 lbs in the past year." The stunned to silence women then preceded to pick his brain about how I had accomplished such a thing. She was instantly nice to me. It was now okay for me to be a member of her club. She knew I was an overweight gal, just like her. She even gave me a wink and bid me luck in my journey as we parted ways.
I have come to realize that the tough part of this journey is only now beginning. I am having to step further and further outside of my comfort zone to fit it. I can no longer hide beneath the large shadow I used to cast. I get no fewer than 3 direct sexual advances from men each week. My husband is constantly telling me how wonderful I look, the friends I still have are always telling me how tiny I am. Sounds good, right? It looks good on paper. But it is so darn uncomfortable! And you know what? For every positive bit of attention I receive, I am bombarded with negative. I have been called to the carpet by close family members who have decided "it's time to be done losing weight (I look just fine). I have had "friends" tell other friends that they are certain I have an eating disorder. I have been un-friended by friends who have decided they don't want a relationship with me anymore based on these ideas. It's painful. It was so much easier for me when I was the jolly ol' fat girl with the pretty face.
However, she is no longer. I am not here to be the court jester, nor the friend that makes the others' feel good about themselves at the expense of her own wants, needs, and desires. I am learning to be truly happy in my own skin. I am taking the time to pamper myself, make myself laugh. I am HAPPY. I have true delight in my life now when it comes to MY person. . I feel authentic. I am experiencing so much, and so much of it for the first time. And I am learning. I am learning and seeking new relationships. New friendships. I am finding ways to be IN relationships where all parties are honored, and I am not expected to be the happy maker of the group.
I am humbled by the journey a little more each day. This journey isn't about being a specific size. It isn't even entirely about being "thin" or physically healthy. For me....for me this journey is about rediscovering myself. About completely unearthing this treasure and figuring out how I want to present it to the world.
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
A new Beginning after a very eventful 15 months
So, at the urging of many of my friends and family, I have FINALLY created a blog. It is also at the urging of my conscience that I finally have decided to let go of my analysis paralysis and go for it.
I am a member of the Lap Band, lol. Meaning I took the leap to control my obesity December 3, 2009. With that leap of faith, I took my happy (and quite rotund) ass all the way to Monterrey, Mexico and put my entire future in the hands of one Dr. Roberto Rumbaut. Now, let me explain. I didn't just Google Lap band Surgeons, look for the cheapest in Mexico, get on a plane, ride a burro and meet this surgeon in a cobble stoned back alley. I only clarify based on the many facial expressions I encounter when I tell people that this is the route I chose. I had been looking into some kind of bariatric surgery for nearly 10 years. I had also been trying all sorts of non surgical ways to lose weight. You name it, I at least tried it. I didn't fail to lose weight. I just failed to keep the lost weight from finding me again. So after many attempts and much research, I found Obesity Surgery Center. The Dr.'s reputation was quite good, and I had followed quite a few of his previous patients.(they would post their journeys on a forum I belonged to at the time)
I will periodically go back to the heart of this story throughout the life of this blog. I would rather reminisce than try and document every change that has happened in this very short 15 months. In a nutshell, things went perfectly (surgically speaking) and I have ROCKED this band. I am down 196 pounds. I feel fabulous....and if I believe what others tell me(and decide to believe my own eyes), I look pretty spectacular too!
I have started this blog in the hopes that my journey will help initiate yours. Or maybe you have your walking shoes on already and this blog inspires you to keep walking to your finish line. However you see fit to benefit, I am happy to be blogging my experiences.
Many ask me "what do you eat? What does a typical day look like for you?" Once I figure out the blog world, I hope to enlighten all of you to this and more! I urge you to stick by me as I learn to blog. I have much to share and am really looking forward to this new process.
Remember to love yourself no matter where you are in your life. That is my "advice of the day"!
I am a member of the Lap Band, lol. Meaning I took the leap to control my obesity December 3, 2009. With that leap of faith, I took my happy (and quite rotund) ass all the way to Monterrey, Mexico and put my entire future in the hands of one Dr. Roberto Rumbaut. Now, let me explain. I didn't just Google Lap band Surgeons, look for the cheapest in Mexico, get on a plane, ride a burro and meet this surgeon in a cobble stoned back alley. I only clarify based on the many facial expressions I encounter when I tell people that this is the route I chose. I had been looking into some kind of bariatric surgery for nearly 10 years. I had also been trying all sorts of non surgical ways to lose weight. You name it, I at least tried it. I didn't fail to lose weight. I just failed to keep the lost weight from finding me again. So after many attempts and much research, I found Obesity Surgery Center. The Dr.'s reputation was quite good, and I had followed quite a few of his previous patients.(they would post their journeys on a forum I belonged to at the time)
I will periodically go back to the heart of this story throughout the life of this blog. I would rather reminisce than try and document every change that has happened in this very short 15 months. In a nutshell, things went perfectly (surgically speaking) and I have ROCKED this band. I am down 196 pounds. I feel fabulous....and if I believe what others tell me(and decide to believe my own eyes), I look pretty spectacular too!
I have started this blog in the hopes that my journey will help initiate yours. Or maybe you have your walking shoes on already and this blog inspires you to keep walking to your finish line. However you see fit to benefit, I am happy to be blogging my experiences.
Many ask me "what do you eat? What does a typical day look like for you?" Once I figure out the blog world, I hope to enlighten all of you to this and more! I urge you to stick by me as I learn to blog. I have much to share and am really looking forward to this new process.
Remember to love yourself no matter where you are in your life. That is my "advice of the day"!
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